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Olives! ("Prunes!" Rehash)

First girlfriend

Spice pack:
1/8 pinch of disgust
½ smidge of satisfaction

It was a cold winter night on the streets of New York City. The air was moist—so moist that it could make your fingers prune if you’re not careful. And nobody likes pruny fingers—they’re wrinkly and gross.

But I didn’t have to worry about that, because I was wearing my gloves—detectives’ gloves, that is. It was my first night on the job and I was so ready to put some bad guys behind bars.

That is, only after they’ve had a fair trial in a court of law with a jury of their peers, of course.

This is America after all.

But when I opened up my first case file, it turned out that my very first case would involve someone from my past—my first girlfriend. Turns out she was the top suspect for a string of murders, all of which shared one commonality: olives. The killer would always leave one olive in the mouth of their victim, as a sort of calling card.

After reading the case file, I was sure that she was the culprit. And I couldn’t wait to put her behind bars, that bitch.

Throughout our relationship, she would always insist on eating olives with dinner. She was completely obsessed with them.

At first I was into it, but then after a few weeks I started to get tired of the same old routine of olives with dinner every single night. So I started turning them down, and she started resenting me for it. It got to the point where she would try to force feed me olives in my sleep, and it was then that I realized I had no choice but to break up with her. She was clearly out of her mind, and I didn’t want any part of this olive obsession.

She went a little crazy after I broke things off, sending me olives in the mail and whatnot. I think that a part of me knew that it would only be a matter of time until she would completely snap and do something like this, but I never thought that I would be the one to put her behind bars.

Mark my words, Martha… there won’t be any olives where you’re going.


  • Hilarious story! I loved the creative use of the 1/2 smidgen of satisfaction with the last line - it ties up the story perfectly.

    The olive obsession provides a unique character build and interesting plot line. Who would have thought these random words could create such a great crime scene.

    Really nice job! Thanks for making me laugh.
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