Main Ingredients:
distant acquaintance
zoologist
basil
red chiles
vape pen

Spice Pack:
1 smidge of humiliation
1/3 dollop of regret


My name is Jeffrey Oak Kilmer-Estado: everyone just calls me JOKE for short. That's about all my life has added up to. My friends hate me. I am a basket-case of emotion. I have no self control over any of my speech whatsoever. Thus, I am frequently left with more than a smidge of humiliation a dollop of regret at the end of each day. I cry myself every night to sleep.

Every day presents a new horrific sequences of events more terrible than the one before. I will tell you about what happened just yesterday, and you will quickly understand my plight.

I was at the zoo. Just a normal vacation spot for a family. Since I don't have any, I thought that going myself would be fine. It should be. As I was watching the lions prowl about in their giant exhibit, I took out my vape pen to have a good smoke. I also reached into my pocket to eat the red chilies and basil that I take around everywhere to eat should I get hungry. Perfectly normal!

All of the sudden, this small boy behind reached up and smacked me in the back of the neck, screaming "You fat freak, join the lions and rid the world of your stupidity!" He then proceeded to push me over the fence that separated us from the overview from where we stood and the lion exhibit, which was in an enclosed valley of sorts.

I fell like 20 feet. I broke like 20 or so bones in my body. As a lay there writhing in pain, the whole crowd at the zoo seemed to gather at the walls and started to cheer loudly and obnoxiously. Rather than help me, the little kid started screaming, "Eat the fat freak! Eat the fat freak!" Then the whole crowd joined in.

For a single moment, I felt exhilaration. This was the most amount of attention I had ever received in my entire life, even if it was attention directed at my annihilation. But I had never experienced anything like this before, so cut me some slack. Then I realized I was probably going to get eaten, and that reality sucked, so I started to cry. The crowd laughed harder, and the little kid started killing "Eat the Freak! Eat the Freak!" I'm pretty sure he even had a few T-shirts made with this logo during the short time I was in the pit, because of bunch of people had them on, and even a whole family was wearing this matching shirt scheme.

Then, I thought my savior showed up. He looked like a distant acquaintance, thus I Knew that he may have my best interests in mind, since I never recognized anyone since I was always being chased out of town. I figured that if I ever saw someone who I recognized in an environment that was new to me, they would have to be a true friend to me since everyone sought to be as far away from me as possible.

It was the zoologist. He had jumped into the pit, and was coming to my rescue! Time seemed to slow down as he sprinted toward me, because the lions had started to inch closer and closer, and I didn't know who was going to reach me first. I extended my arms in his direction.

He got there first. And he took out his first aid kit.

"Leave it!" I roared. "Just get me out of here!"

He started laughing. Inside the first aid kit he had a GoPro video camera, which he attached to my chest.

"Have fun!" He chuckled. Then sprinted off.

Just my luck, lightning struck the lions right as they were getting ready to eat me. So I was saved, and then I crawled my way back to my car. Now I lay in my bed, dreading tomorrow, for it is always worse than the night before.