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The McCuddy

Main Ingredients:
condensed milk
shot glass

Spice Pack:
1 cup of happiness
1/3 pinch of relief

"Ok, ok, so he's talking to this dancer, right? My brother, I mean. He's chatting this girl up, and I'm just watching him. Like, I know what's going to happen, but he has no idea. And he's a few drinks in so he thinks it's going smooth, and yeah, maybe she's into him a little bit, so maybe it is going smooth. But I'm just quiet as a mouse as he keeps going because -- shut the fuck up, Mark, I'm telling a goddamn story! -- so he's trying to order drinks -- yeah, I was talking to you, fuck face! Siddown and listen! I'm getting to the good part here! --

Ok, where was I? Yeah, the drinks. So she says she wants him to order a McCuddy, which I told her to say. And I know it's a bad idea, but it's so great, it is so so great because he's trying to impress this girl, so he's like, "Yeah, I'll order a McCuddy!". You ever had a McCuddy? -- I'm not fucking asking you Mark! I was there when you had one! I'm asking this guy! -- Ok, so here's how they make it at this bar, right? It's whiskey, tea, and condensed milk. And you've got to take it all in one go. So my brother, he just slams it down, and then he instantly goes green around the gills.

He's making this face, right? Like he's trying not to make a face, but all of a sudden, he's not talking to the girl and he's looking down at his shot glass like it's suddenly the most interesting thing ever. Because now he's not thinking about the girl, he's thinking about the pound of bacon that I fed him before we went out. Ever eaten just a shit ton of bacon? It's good stuff, but if you eat too much, it doesn't sit well. Especially not with whiskey or fucking condensed milk. So she asks him a question, and he opens his mouth to reply, and just spews all over the counter. And she's screaming, like "Ahhhh!" and he's heaving and I'm just laughing my goddamn ass off. Oh, it was some good shit. So anyway, that's why they won't let us back at O'Leary's."


  • why is this so fucking funny lmao
    i love the way you've written this narrator
    really entertaining and fun to read, thank u
    also is the McCuddy a real thing or did u make that up bc the name cracks me up
  • It's a twist on a real thing :)
  • That was supposed to be a smiley face at the end of that comment. I don't know what it looks like on your screen, but on mine, it looks like smiley hell.
  • 10/10 would order a McCuddy and take shots with the narrator of this story

    probably would not eat bacon before going out, though

    anyways, great story! loved the framework and voice especially!

  • Was that a tall McCuddy or a short one?
  • Haha this was really great Micah! I loved how each ingredient added more depth to your story. You used humor well to execute this dish! I thought this could have been a true story in your telling of it. It was so casual and comforting in your telling. 10 out of 10!
  • 10/10 would order a McCuddy for a pal after we've just spent the morn' chowing at all-you-can-eat Denny's breakfast buffet--extra bacon for the pal, of course, 'cause I'm a fair pal ^.^

  • Everything's better with bacon. It's a way of life.
  • Stars align, sometimes, and anger is a deep black hole, reversed on itself, as it to explode. The Universe sang that song once before, its echoes inside of our glasses at O'Leary's. Late at night is when the stars arrive, not always pretty and not always gentle. It's a drink you soon regret.
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