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Main Ingredients:
fellow passenger
coconut milk
shot glass

Spice Pack:
1/2 pinch of disgust
1/4 dollop of apprehension

My mom’s boyfriend, Andrew (who I thought was dead), offered to fly us down to the Cayman Islands. I should have immediately said, “NO!” But I thought, whatever, a vacation. We’ll get there, I’ll say, hello. Leave the two lovebirds to their business. And just spend the week keeping to myself, sipping Pain killers: Coconut milk, a shot of rum, some pineapple juice, a little OJ on top…

Upon taking our seats, my mom starts in, not even trying to be quiet, “Brutie, are you still constipated?”
“Mom, I’m fine.”
“You know, your dad was a pilot! Flew one of these planes. Not a big one, but still, a pilot. You could probably get a job.”
“I have a job, mom.”
“You know what I mean, like, the kind of job where you could…”
“…abandon your offspring? If I could get a job that would take me away from my family, I would.”
“Did you eat those prunes last night? Did you go before you got on the plane?”
“Mom, I’ll be fine.
“You always hold it in when you’re stressed. You’ve done it since you were a baby.” She leans over me to talk to the man next to me, “He might have to unload urgently during the flight!!!”
“Mom, shut up!”
“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” starts Mr. Gentleman in the aisle seat. He digs his elbow into my ribs.
“Are you serious?!”
“Excuse me, sir, do we have a problem?” Now, there was a flight attendant involved.
“Uhh… no… just…”
“Actually, yes. There is a problem.” Mr. Gentleman, I realized, was an expert at complaining. “This young man is making me extremely nervous. He’s irritable, possibly intoxicated. He made a terroristic threat to me.”
“What!? No, this guy is bugging me and my mom! And he elbowed me!!!!”
“Sir, please calm down.”
“I am very calm. This man is a liar!!!”
“Sir, we’ll need you to retrieve your carry-on bag from the overhead bin, and join us on jet bridge…” Now, some goon was in on it, gripping my shoulder.
MOM! You have to do something!”
“He’s stressed. It makes him very, very constipated. Then he gets grumpy. Just a little bit of time in the lavatory…” Her reason was lost on the man who was now dragging me past my fellow passengers. Her reason was lost on my fellow passengers, many of them cheering, many of them recording the incident. It was lost on me. Soon, it would be lost on the whole world, under an avalanche of jokes about @BrutusCorbin being #veryveryconstipated



  • Your story is really interesting. I like the way you wrote your sentences, short and to the point. It demonstrates the type of frustration we feel especially when we are on a plane. Of course, there is always that one passenger who just honestly, should not be on planes because they complain about every little thing.

    Writing about constipation, again very good! I feel like there are certain taboos in writing that people try to avoid but if done correctly, it is good!
  • Definitely. That guy was a total liar, sticking his nose in my business, claiming that I am erratic. I used to (emphasis on USED TO) work with a guy like that at the AM/PM. Cost me my job. They rewarded him by making him manager. WTF!

    My mom gets under my skin... and she does this thing where she does involve other people when she's trying to lean on me. I think she thinks she's motivating me or something. And I just don't agree with her relationship with Mr. RockeHearst. What kind of person disappears and then shows up again in the Cayman Islands? And, I don't know why he's sending people to bother me. I don't know what he's getting my mom involved in. But it freaks me out.

    On the other hand, I don't agree with you about taboos. I wish my mom would not talk about my health with other people around. I was humiliated.
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