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My Evil Bro in Law

Level: Chef
Your basket:
Main Ingredients:
guitar player
chia seeds

Spice Pack:
1/2 smidge of distraction
1/4 dash of bliss

My brother in law is a dick. But don’t let his tree-hugging, guitar-playing hippie activist act fool you. Yes, he only eats organic food, grown in the pure waters of the Himalayas. Yes, he boycotts all farming companies that use pesticides. Yes, his diet is mostly gluten free chia seeds. You might think he is quite the nice hippie activist, Earth aware and trying to make a difference, and that is exactly what he wants you to believe.
You see, I was oblivious of his true persona until he came over for dinner last week. There was something off with him. He was acting too absentmindedly, like his head was somewhere else. At some point he even spilled a glass of wine on my wife’s camisole without even noticing. We didn’t give it much thought; we assumed he was just tired from his month long trip to Africa, providing services and aid to poor villagers. So eventually dinner was over, he left, and I went to the desktop to finish a report. And lo and behold. Mr. Gluten-free chia seeds left his Facebook profile open. Naturally, I stalked the shit out of him and trespassed as much of privacy as Facebook would allow me. And so I realized he is not a hippie activist. He didn’t even go to Africa. He doesn’t even eats gluten free chia seeds as he claims. He’s just a scammer trying to recruit people into a Satanic, basil-worshipping cult.
And now I know who he truly is, and he doesn’t even know it.


  • i can see this as almost lowkey commentary on neoliberalism and how people hold the appearance of caring for certain issues without genuine action and effort. great story!
  • Wow... I remember something like this from when I was a kid, "My Deadbeat Dad." I never really knew him. But he came back one Christmas and pretended to be interested in me just long enough to convince my mom to let him stay with us for a couple of days.

    Instead of the chia seeds, he was using some sort of prescription medication. Replace guitar-playing hippie activist with square-jawed pilot con artist. Instead of a satanic basil-worshipping cult, it was more of a narcissistic thing.
  • An excerpt from a late 90s cookbook: Basically the same dish, but a lot more expensive.

    New Age Tycoon.

    This dish provides a contemporary take on a timeless classic. Nineties sensibilities, layered over traditional disappointments, our "New Age Tycoon" is guaranteed to please even the most cynical taste buds. You thought you'd had it with capitalism, but we guarantee you'll fall in love all over again!

    Prepare a well-groomed dynastic male (son of a politician or robber baron is best, an actor also works well). Marinate in a mix of ivy (if you cannot find ivy or mini-ivy, oxbridge is a suitable substitute), capital, and a hint of oriental seasoning (yoga works well, though tantra can be overwhelming). Work abs until well defined.

    Adding publicist (do not cut corners, this is the most important ingredient), saute the male until his body becomes hard, then cover and steam until his personality takes on a seemingly tender quality. He will be very hot by now. Ready to be launched into a position of rightful privilege.

    Here, you will notice subtle notes of tolerable chivalry, enlightenment, and philanthropy, giving way to a winning charm (Discerning palates will detect hints of entitlement and alpha-male virility, which are understandable, given the competitive fields in which he competes). If you get machismo and belligerence, consider sensitivity training (in extreme cases, hire a crisis PR firm).

    Lawyer up and serve with a variety of rustic accompaniments. Try over sweatshops, regime change, environmental exploitation, securities and exchange fraud, bribery, or, even, out-of-court settlements and nondisclosure agreements.

    Garnish with ghost-written manuscripts and/or an ineffective non-profit.
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